Carolyn Elizabeth
by KaylaMarieSky
Summary: A young woman's journal reflecting on life, death and family.


Title: Carolyn Elizabeth  
  
Author: Kayla Sky  
  
Rating: G to PG  
  
Spoilers: Last three episodes of Season 8 (Lawyers, Guns and Money, Pas De Deux and A Tangled Webb). The story stems from the comments made by Webb in Lawyers, Guns and Money about children.  
  
Summary: A young woman's journal reflecting on life, death and family.  
  
Disclaimers: I do not own JAG or any of the characters that make an appearance in this story.  
  
Author's Note: This is my first attempt at Fanfiction. Please keep this in mind as reading. This story idea has been bouncing around in my head for a few weeks now. The story is in the format of journal entries of the main character. I'll be posting a few entries at a time. The beginning entries are going to give the background of the character before getting to the main meat of the story. Please be patient.  
  
I've flushed out the main character (Lyn) to the point where I feel that I can begin writing. I would like to receive feedback on this story so that I may become a better writer. Anyone feeling inclined to give feedback may send it to kaylamariesky@yahoo.com Feedback is not require but desired.  
  
************************************************************************ April 14, 2003 Willmar, Minnesota  
  
Journal-  
You appeared in the mail today. Simple brown leather bound unlined journal. Pressed into the front simply my name- Carolyn Elizabeth Michaels Webb. No card was sent, no return address. Hmmmm.I wonder where you came from? My suspicion is that you are a gift from dad. My birthday is still a week away. If he's not going to make it home in time to celebrate with me next week he may have sent this journal ahead of time. Assuring that he was still with me. BUT- if he's not going to make it home them he would have sent a card. Wouldn't he?  
I'm really curious how dad knew that I needed somewhere to write my thoughts and feeling. Life is so confusing right now. My mom SHOULD NOT being dying. I shouldn't be spending my free time before law school watching my mom die!!!! I graduated early from UCLA. My plans were to travel, see the world before I was stuck back in school. I'm fluent in so many languages I wanted to travel to the places those languages are spoken. That was my plan until a year ago. All my plans changed six months ago. Mom called me one day at school. Graduation was in six weeks. She had to call and tell me. She wouldn't lie to me. Wouldn't pretend everything was okay.  
Lyn-I'm dying, the cancer's back. She said it so simply my anger flooded my body. How could be have been so calm? She can't die! I need her. I'm only 21 years old. How can she be so sure that she will die? What about seeing me finish law school? What about my wedding? Whenever that may be. Who will help me when I become a mother? The questions flooded my mind! Six months ago she said she was dying. Six weeks later she and dad attended my graduation. She looked healthy! Looks can be deceiving I decided.  
Lyn  
  
************************************************************************ April 21, 2003 Willmar, Minnesota  
  
Journal-  
Today is my birthday!!!! I'm twenty-two today!!! Guess What!?!? Dad showed up! He admitted that you were a gift from him. He wasn't sure if he would be able to get away from work so he sent the Journal. He was able to get away from work and flew to Willmar. He cooked dinner for mom and I. I wish they had gotten married. I wish I could say my mom and dad have been happily married for twenty-two years. I can't. They said marriage was never in the cards for them. My mom will die never having been married. Mom says that's okay with her. She says she'll die a happy woman, mom to a wonderful daughter who has a loving and caring father.  
After dinner dad shooed me out of the house. I've been caring for mom since December. It's just the two of us. She is so weak and frail now I can carry her in my arms. She is so different since December. Looks are no longer deceiving! Dad sent me to the mall. He would spend the night at the house. Dad took over my job for the night. Part of his present to me, an evening at the mall! He wanted me to have an evening of simply being 22 without the responsibility of a dying mother. I felt guilt. I know he never got an evening of simply being 22. I was 4 years old when he turned twenty-two. He was a father. No one would care for his responsibility so he could simply be twenty-two.  
It's my birthday! Stop remembering the past! Dad had a choice to be my father. I don't have a choice. I didn't do anything to make my mom sick. It wasn't my choice my mom will die.  
Lyn ********************************************************************** April 23, 2003 Willmar, Minnesota  
  
Journal-  
Mom and Dad made some decisions while I was out for my birthday. Oh, I got two new outfits from the mall! Dad also gave me spending money for my trip to the mall. One is a nice peasant skirt with yellow, white, pink and light green flowers. There's a flowing short sleeve linen white shirt to wear with it. The other is a summer sleeveless dress that is ankle length. It's a dark blue with red embroidered flowers on it. They remind me of when mom and I lived in New Mexico. The embroidery looks like the type the Luisa's mom would do.  
Back to the decisions that mom and dad made while I was out. Mom is going to die soon. She doesn't want me to live alone in Minnesota. I'm going to start law school in September at George Washington University in DC. Mom says that when she dies I should leave Minnesota and go to live with dad. It makes more sense they say. He lives in Virginia. He has an apartment near the school. Plus the farm is only 40 minutes away from school. Dad says he hasn't used the apartment in a while. I'm more than welcome to use it as my home while going to school.  
I was a little shocked that I have a free place to live at school for the next four years. I've been wondering about where I was going to live. I've been to the apartment It's nice in Old Town Alexandria. It's near the river and a metro station so I can commute to school. I'm so excited!!!  
Lyn  
  
************************************************************************ April 24, 2003 Willmar, Minnesota  
  
Journal-  
Dad left this evening. I gave him a ride back to the airport. Mom said that she'd be okay without me for an hour. I wasn't comfortable with that. I asked our neighbor to stay with her. The past two days have been great having dad here. Things always seem right when he's with us. I know that his job keeps him away from us. I just hope that after mom dies I'll see him a little more. Mom is my support system. I talk with her about everything. I don't know what I'm going to do without her support. Who can I call at 2a.m.to tell that my boyfriend broke up with me? I wonder if there is anyone special in dad's life? Every visit I try and get out of him if there is anyone he's seeing, someone special. I always get the same dorky answer from him- his mother!  
We chatted in the car about mom and how she's doing. He told me that I'm always welcome with him. He has an envelope at the farm that has my name on it. When mom dies..I said when.It's getting close I can feel it, I think dad does too, that why we talk in when not if. When mom dies he says to go to the farm. I'll find the envelope in the house. He won't tell me where it is only that I'll find it. He might not be home when I get there. He won't tell me where he will be. If he's not there I'll be alone! NO! He said, the envelope will tell you what to do. You may be alone for a little while but not forever. He'll be back. He assured me he'd be back. I'm going to hold him to that promise. He better not leave me alone forever!  
We talked about when mom dies. That day that will come sooner that I want. He asked what I was going to do that morning when I wake up and she's dead. I honestly don't know.  
Lyn  
  
*********************************************************************** April 28, 2003 Willmar, Minnesota  
  
Journal-  
Mom and I talked about dying tonight. I'm almost crying as I write this. I think I've cried myself out! I came home this afternoon and she was on the phone. Mom hasn't called anyone in months. She's been too weak. Suddenly she's on the phone laughing and joking. I almost thought she might actually be getting better. I over heard her end of the conversation. She invited Maria and Luisa to come and visit! Luisa is on break from school and her mom Maria will be able to take some time off from work.  
All of this happy talk of old friends coming to visit overshadowed the real reason of the visit until after dinner when mom and I sat in the living room for a nightly chat. I was so happy about seeing Luisa again I kept asking mom over and over again when they would get here. Luisa has been my best friend since sixth grade. I met her when I started middle school in New Mexico. Luisa has 4 sisters and 1 brother. I always felt welcome at their house. Maria would joke that she just had an extra daughter when I was there. It drove Victor crazy he would always whine that he now had 5 sisters!  
Mom began to tire lying on the couch and turned the conversation to the real reason for this chat and visit. She doesn't want me to be alone when she dies. She wants there to be an adult, a mother for me. I'm adult I told her, not when you mom dies she replied. That was what made me cry. Even now when she's going to die she's still thinking of me. What would be best for Lyn? I don't even know what's best for me but she does. Guess that's what makes her mom.  
She asked me to help her to bed; she's getting so weak now. I'm scared she might die before Maria and Luisa get here. As I told dad, I don't know what I'll do if that happens. I lay her in her bed and covered her us. Her voice was so weak she looked so tired. She silently handed me a letter before falling asleep. I stayed in her room for a while after she closed her eyes. Assuring myself she was still breathing. She hadn't died- not yet.  
Lyn ************************************************************************  
  
To my Dearest Daughter-Carolyn Elizabeth Michaels Webb  
I write this letter to you as a memory for you to always have. It will serve as a reminder of your mother who loves you with all of her heart. My own mother tolerated my presence when we told her that you would be joining us. A young girl of 16 at the time she thought that I was too young to have a child of my own. Your father was 18 and a freshman at Harvard. Too old for me she said. Many told us it was stupid to have a child that young. Give it up they said. We both fell in love with you. Even before you were born we knew that you would do great things!  
I have no regrets in my life. I have lived a full life. I will leave the world with you a young woman. Intelligent, happy, outgoing and beautiful. You enter my room with a smile that brightens my day. Your eyes are your strength and your weakness. You've always wondered how I know exactly what you are feeling. I'll tell you the answer because one day you'll use the skill yourself as a mother. Your eyes reflect your moods. Happy they reflect the light and shine. Sad, worried, upset they are dull, all light is absorbed into them.  
There is so much to tell you and so little time. Remember that I will always be with you. I will see you marry the man of your dreams as your father proudly walks you down the aisle. I will see you graduate law school and pass the bar exam. I will be there as you welcome into your home each new life. I will listen for your prayers seeking guidance as your children challenge you. I will not miss these events.  
I leave you in the caring heart of your father. Remember his job will keep you apart at times. Do not fault him for this. Always be mindful his own father lived the same life. He knows how you feel and tries hard to do right. He could have left, there was no reason for him to stay as close to you and me as he has. He simply loves you!  
I wish for you to live life without regrets. Be happy! It isn't in your make up to be sad or mope you are such an energetic person. Love and be loved in return.  
You Mother  
Mommy  
Rachel Anne Michaels  
  
************************************************************************ To be continued. 


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